A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them... grabs some sliced limes and eats them... then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

Question and Answer Lawyer Jokes

Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.


Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.


Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it's head.


Q: What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

Mom: Why R U pregnant?

Mom: Why R U pregnant? 

Daughter: This is our project in college about "Miracle of Life" 

Mom: Tell me who is he? 

Daughter:I dont know, it was a group project.

Shall we try a different position tonight?

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different

position tonight?

WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit

on the sofa and fart.

Man says to wife "what would you do if i won the lottery"

Man says to wife "what would you do if i won the lottery" Wife replies "take half and leave your ass" Husband replies "good, I won 12 dollars here is 6 now get out!"

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

Funny Quote

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Are Computers Male or Female?

A Foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

Top 10 Signs You’re An Internet Geek

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give them your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates for their phone number, instead you ask for their myspace.

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

15 Best Homer Simpson Quotes. Ever

1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

Top 15 Confucius Sayings

Confucius is wise, in fact we'd be much wiser taking his advice. Below are the top 15 Confucius sayings, otherwise known as his famous analects. While there are literally hundreds or thousands of them, most probably made up - we've picked our favorites.

Top 20 'Funny' SMS Text Messages

1. The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
2. I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.

Definitely

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

I like the way that you think

Little Johnny's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."

Example Of A Tragedy

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

Keeping An Eye Out For The Doctor

John, two days before his scheduled visit to the proctologist, accidentally swallowed his glass eye when he was cleaning it. He was worried at first, but after calling his doctor and learning he probably won't get sick, he ordered another and soon forgot about it.

He arrived for his annual proctology exam on time, and was soon called into the doctor's examining room. After undressing, John follows his instructions and bends over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he took a peek up the man's butt was his glass eye staring right back at him!

"You know John," said the doctor, "you're really going to have to learn to trust me."

Little Johnny Wants Some Ice Cream

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Onions And A Christmas Tree

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

Life’s Tough When You’re Stupid

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in theirfirst day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body."

Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."