Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."

Daddy fell into the well last week

The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

What is a penis?

Little Johnny and Suzie were walking home from school after their first sex education class, when Suzie said that one thing she didn't understand about it all was, "What is a penis?"

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time.

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says. Little Johnny raises his hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," he volunteered.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders a drink. Shortly after, the monkey starts jumping all over the place and acting crazy. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them... grabs some sliced limes and eats them... then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

Won The Lottery

A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million."

Harry Porter is Gay ,Video Proof !

Top 10 FAQ’s About Pregnancy

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Birth Control Pills

An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Question and Answer Lawyer Jokes

Q:What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 50,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.


Q: What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
A: Their personalities.


Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Take your foot off it's head.


Q: What's the difference between a Catfish and a lawyer?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom dweller, and the other is a fish.

Mom: Why R U pregnant?

Mom: Why R U pregnant? 

Daughter: This is our project in college about "Miracle of Life" 

Mom: Tell me who is he? 

Daughter:I dont know, it was a group project.

Shall we try a different position tonight?

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different

position tonight?

WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit

on the sofa and fart.

Man says to wife "what would you do if i won the lottery"

Man says to wife "what would you do if i won the lottery" Wife replies "take half and leave your ass" Husband replies "good, I won 12 dollars here is 6 now get out!"

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus

One day a hippie gets a ride on a public bus and sees a hot young nun. He sits down next to her and promptly asks if she would like to have sex, to which she immediately says no and walks off the bus. The bus driver leans over and says "Hey guy I know how to get that nun to have sex with you..."

Naturally the hippie asks, and the bus driver tells him that every night at midnight the nun goes to an old graveyard to pray for god to forgive her for her past, and that he should dress up like god and tell the nun she will be forgiven if she has sex with you.

Funny Quote

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Are Computers Male or Female?

A Foreign language teacher was explaining to her class that, unlike their English counterparts, French nouns are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Confused, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"

Top 10 Signs You’re An Internet Geek

10. When filling out your driver's license application you give them your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates for their phone number, instead you ask for their myspace.

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

15 Best Homer Simpson Quotes. Ever

1. Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get.

Top 15 Confucius Sayings

Confucius is wise, in fact we'd be much wiser taking his advice. Below are the top 15 Confucius sayings, otherwise known as his famous analects. While there are literally hundreds or thousands of them, most probably made up - we've picked our favorites.

Top 20 'Funny' SMS Text Messages

1. The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
2. I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled like.

Definitely

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

I like the way that you think

Little Johnny's teacher got up in front of the class and announced they were going to play a guessing game! The teacher said, "I have something behind my back. It's red in color and round. It's soft, but it's hard."

Example Of A Tragedy

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

Keeping An Eye Out For The Doctor

John, two days before his scheduled visit to the proctologist, accidentally swallowed his glass eye when he was cleaning it. He was worried at first, but after calling his doctor and learning he probably won't get sick, he ordered another and soon forgot about it.

He arrived for his annual proctology exam on time, and was soon called into the doctor's examining room. After undressing, John follows his instructions and bends over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he took a peek up the man's butt was his glass eye staring right back at him!

"You know John," said the doctor, "you're really going to have to learn to trust me."

Little Johnny Wants Some Ice Cream

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away Johnny! You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Onions And A Christmas Tree

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

Life’s Tough When You’re Stupid

A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in theirfirst day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.

The professor tells the class "In Veterinary Medicine, there are two qualities you must possess as a doctor - the first of which is a strong stomach. You cannot, under any circumstance, be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body."

Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

Little Johnny’s Playing Partner

Little Johnny is walking down the hall when he hears a noise from his parents room. He knocks on the door and asks his mom what's going on. "Playing cards," she replies. "Who's your partner?" asked little johnny. "Your father!"

Little Johnny’s is God Black or White ?

One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, "Mommy, is God Black or White?"

She replies, "Well, Honey, God is both Black and White."

Then he says, "Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?"

Blonde The Builder

Two blonde chicks were building a house together. One blonde was cutting the wood and the other was on a ladder nailing. Before hammering in a nail; the blonde on the ladder would reach into her nail pouch, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to hammer it into the wood.

The Blonde Painter

An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door,  canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

Milk Bath For Beauty

An older blonde woman heard through a friend that taking a milk bath is good for the skin, will cure stretch marks and make her beautiful again. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk instead of the usual amount.

A Blonde’s Flight To Chicago

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that's the type of ticket she paid for.